Tomb Rider Won (Tomb Raider I)
by SheerLuck Home
Summary: Get accustomed to Lara as the Terminator of Raiders decimates hordes of foes and has to deal with plenty of imbecilic individuals. Parody does not come with dual pistols.
1. More than Qualified

TOMB RIDER Won

 _(Tomb Raider I)_

 **More than Qualified**

This story is about the most formidable adventurer you've yet to meet; one solid individual who does not even eat danger for breakfast because she's even much more of a bad ass than this, since she actually eats nothing at all but still kicks asses. A tough woman who fears nothing, except for the dangerous lethal and annoying farts of her butler; therefore occasionally cracks his cranium open with her fists due to such senile behavior. This is the Tomb Rider, the supreme archeologist and collection-o-logist…. if that word existed. With ovaries of steel and spiky breasts thanks to the PS1 console but it's fine since she can actually use those as a sharp weapon.

Meet Lara Croft, or Laura Cruze if the producers had not changed her name figuring that it would be too hard to pronounce, in some way. Follow the dual pistol wielding female of an entire generation throughout her mad, awesome, mind blowing and deadly suicidal adventures….. in just a while. Because right now she's in her gigantic manor wearing a shitty outfit, talking to herself out loud to some invisible person all while staring outside without blinking.

«…Well this is rather unusual, it's as if each window gives into a large square painting somehow. Looks like I'm stuck inside this mansion. », then she brusquely turned around saying «Welcome to my home! I'll take you on a guided tour. »

The woman exited the reading area and ended in the music room equipped with a piano plus a harp made of gold, when she arrived in its middle that's when a voice from speakers ordered «Let's do some weird useless gymnastics on this blue padded floor. ». It was actually a pre-recorded message of herself, Lara groaned before yelling «DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! », then grabbed the harp before throwing it against a wall where it magnificently exploded. Then her eyes leveled to the paintings on the walls realizing that some were the very same, since her senile butler had chosen some of them then it was no wonder he had lost track of what he was doing. «Might as well add this to the list of things that needs to be burned then buried deep, _deep_ below ground. », a certain old man was on said list.

Next she ran to the main hall and jumped above the handrail to the floor below, thus landing on one of the crates that were encumbering the majority of the space. It's as though she had just moved in but there was a darker story behind it all, again she talked to herself, «Sorry about that mess but the delivery people haven't been in yet. », truth is aforementioned individuals had all died of heart attacks while doing this excruciating job since she had so much of furniture, artifact and military equipments of all sort. Croft had not bothered to be alarmed; she simply had dragged their cadavers in the basement and tossed them in a pit where piranhas were delighted to finish the job.

After getting shards in her bare feet from messing atop the crates, she ran to a larger room which contained many wooden blocks of different shapes and sizes; it served as an exercising room in order to prepare herself for all the peril that awaited her in her mad ventures. Another pre-recorded message was triggered then in which she advised herself on how to move accordingly so as to avoid breaking legs or neck. «If a jump is too far for me; _I can die_. », she ignored that and continued on to the indoor pool. Executing a simple jump she thus anticipated the refreshing touch of water; except she broke her legs plus her spinal column. Turns out Winston had forgotten to refill the pool after scrubbing it clean for two days straight…. or had it been intentional? Either way she really should have listened to herself a second ago.

The pissed off woman popped a notepad out of her buttocks and added that to the list of things he did wrong. There would be a seriously long, painful and brutal payback; though very entertaining for her. Well in the meantime she was just stuck there, yelling for the decrepit servant to bring her some health packs; sadly she'd remain there for an entire day thanks to Winston sleeping on the job and being semi-deaf due to old age.

Afterwards she remembered one slight detail involving having forgotten she had trapped him in the freezer a week ago. She blinked in horror, «…. _Bullocks_ … », before dragged herself to the edge where she was able to ascend by repeatedly shoving her fists in the pool's ceramic, until she eventually arrived up to the second floor to her bedroom where she was finally able to heal her injuries. And it was about time because necrosis had started to settle in.

Well what do you know; even at home the danger is always part of the excitement.

It also involves collateral damage as well similar to in her journeys; Winston would know.

* * *

Alright then! Time for the fatal fucking adventures to begin! Croft flew her jet to some hotel, now she's sitting on a couch as she's meeting a client. A blond man approaches holding a certain magazine showing an armed female standing before a mountain of dead beasts, the title reads " _Woman kills an entire Big Foot civilization with her mad skills!"._ Unfortunately for us, the blond man gets out of darkness so we see his hideous face:

«Wha kinda crap ah man must do 'n order ta get da kind o' attention from ya? »

A spasm ran on Lara's upper lip, «Well right now you seem to be doing fine which means I'm itching to shoot you in the face. »

The monkey- err man, lifted his hands; «waoh…. truth is it ain't me da want yer. »

«I could take good news like that anytime. »

«NAOH! Miss Natla does, ya know from Natla Techn….Technaol….orgies…..fuck it. »

«…Never heard of them. »

«Well ya know, she all brat 'n beautiful…. »

A voice was heard coming from the laptop that was resting on the table, «Take your dick in your own hand and shove it up your ass LardsOn; preferably somewhere else other than here. »

«Will do ma'am…will do. »

We then get introduced to his boss which by his standard is supposed to be beautiful; not only has he proven so far that he needs a functional brain but now we also know he needs thick glasses as for Natla is one ugly blond woman, plus a lying manipulative backstabbing bitch at that. So in fact both dumbasses are of the same species.

His boss lifts her arms in the air as cash falls from the ceiling, «Feast your eyes on this Luara, how does that make your stomach, or wallet, rumble? »

«It's _Lara_. And you must be projecting: I on the other hand only play for sport. » Croft got up and was about leaving just like that, she had little patience for low IQs.

Natla shoved her face on the screen and that made an amusing sound, « _Wait!_ I got ice cream, is that what you want ice cream!? »

«... Sorry, _**what? »**_

«Well damn it usually works with LardsOn…. »

«Do I look like a retarded blond monkey? »

«….I uhhhh», the screen depicted a different scenery now, «Look at these snowy mountains they've got to chill you down a bit, that's what you like, right? Smelly tombs and mummies and wolf hungry for your tender flesh plus elaborated deadly traps wherever you set foot? Well I've got it all right here, you could die during it all but I am asking you to recover this little trinket. »

A suppository device was shown on screen. Croft lifted a brow so high it almost got lost at the back of her head, «….. _excuse me? »_

«WOOPS wrong footage, _crap_ , literally….. okay here, THIS thing. » An intricate artifact was shown revolving on screen, but it was actually Natla moving it with her hand to make it appear more mystical: well it only made her look even dumber.

Lara stared for a couple of seconds, «….what are you doing? ». Natla abruptly stopped and noisily swallowed, Croft sighed before saying, «Why don't you go, afraid to break a nail? »

«No I have claws. You could leave tomorrow, are you busy tomorrow? »

«Yes. »

«Good then, I'll be awaiting the artifact tomorrow, sharp. »

Communication was promptly cut off so Croft shot the laptop and left, making sure to avoid the uneducated animal on her way out. Stupid morons had no idea who they tried to fuck with. Unfortunately, artifacts for Lara are similar to what drugs are for a junky, or McDonalds for junkies; so the SeeOn had tickled her interest. So despite being bloody pissed by the two blond retards she decided she'd have it for herself.

* * *

Croft hired a random Inuit guy so he'd show the way, and since they were to travel to some deadly harsh cold environment with icy wind, Lara decided to ''wrap herself'' in some sort of cloth that barely covered anything at all over her tank top and shorts. So after ascending a mountain for days, mainly because the so-called guide didn't know where he was going, they eventually faced some huge doors set in the face of the mountain. The man seemed extremely relieved to have found the entrance since he had no idea there was one in the first place when they started this foolish undertaking. But it was almost worth having lost his feet to cold temperature because that woman had said she'd give him 40$ if he helped her, that's more than he does in a whole year at his shit job. Hence standing on his stumps, he watched our delusional adventurer swing the rope over her head so the hook could grab unto a ledge above the doors.

Croft ascended then began pushing the forms that were carved there; the guide was looking at her wondering what the hell she was hoping to accomplish by randomly touching those since they were just drawings. He finally walked towards the door and pushed it open; was about calling to her when yellow eyes became visible through the darkness beyond. That's when a pack of wolves jumped at his throat instantly killing him, snacking on the poor guy painting the snow red. Lara assumed the doors being opened were her doing so she congratulated herself, then ultimately noticed the peculiar scene happening below before letting go of the rope; meanwhile the drape she had been wearing suddenly caught on fire to show how badass she was.

The wolves were glad to have another pray but fun was short lived as bullets decimated the lot of them, and as they died quickly their organs inexplicably exploded out of their bodies. Croft stared and frowned in wondering but then decided that maybe it's how wolves around here dies. She looked over to where the man had been, realizing there was nothing left of him but his nose to be remembered by. She thought to keep it with her and send it to his family but recalled they had been killed by wolves when he was a kid. With no more regards to the lot of carcasses, Lara entered the cave. The doors closed behind her with a loud bang and when she tried to walk she realized her long hair was stuck in it; she had to cut the damn thing hence the short hair in-game. It's _not_ because computerizing and animating that long strand of hair in-game was impossible back then with the technology they had, it's just because it got stuck in the door, there it's settled.

She eyed the wolves' paw prints in the snow; it occurred to her that one of them must have been drunk since a series of prints had formed a circle then zigzagged towards the door. Croft was venturing onward when she noticed an intricate device on each side of her, then her skin got punctured as it shot sharp arrows; no matter, not like this was absolutely painful or was about to prevent her from reaching her goal. Certain objects and places were much weirder than others though, like the fact that when she would find certain items lying around a short tune would be triggered. Upon picking up a Metal Gear magazine, it was heard again. «….what was that….? »

Lara investigated but couldn't find any speakers; strange. If someone decided to wire some music in here the least they could have done is to integrate something worth hearing. She jumped over ledges until she got attacked by bats, picking up her shotgun from her tiny backpack she blasted them all to pieces. She'd soon realize that the bats in here were smart enough to deploy many ambushes like these; some would even wait for her back to be turned before attacking.

Making her way through the cavern she soon encountered more wolves, standing atop a stony edge she aimed her pistols at them as they slept below. However the smell of food made the animals stand and run her way, they also enigmatically growled like retarded animals. After a while she got tired of watching them run in circles like imbecilic creatures so she shot the first one which died whimpering. Next she aimed at the second, pulled the trigger but kept riddling its body with ammo even though it was dead, dropped off the ledge whilst still firing plus kept doing this for an awfully long time afterwards. When she was done there was nothing left of the poor wolf and the bullets had dug a crater in the ground; didn't even need to bother about reloading.

In that smelly pit she found a sort of human mummy wrapped in yellowish dried skin; the way the skeletal hands held the screaming skull said much to how horrifyingly long and _boring_ this death must have been. It also oddly stared her way no matter where she stood, which made her obliterate the remains with several bullets. Next she jumped over to a small suspended bridge and hit her forehead on it, «…I'm not going to put that in my magazine. », she scaled on top then ran towards another pit. Croft looked down at the bear that seemed to be trapped below plus probably starving, it kept running in circle and soon the pitiable sight bored her so she shot it as well. When the beast died it let out a long moan as if full of regret, that or it was relieved to finally be put out of its misery.

Looking to her left she noticed that some magic purple crystal was just floating there, frowning and not even daring to blast it to pieces, she made her way around before jumping the gap. In the next area she got surprised by a fast-paced aggressive song clearly meant to put her on the edge; however she didn't care and kept staring as two additional wolves ran her way. Apparently it was the revenge of the wolves and perhaps that was the title song. They leaped at her trying to chew her face off but failed miserably only to be running in circle around her; plus while they did this they sometimes went invisible thanks to a glitch. «Hmm, quite abnormal. », and she swiftly blasted them to bloody chunks.

She kept investigating further, always been assaulted by many hungry wolves, cunning bats plus another bear. It took a bite of her arm before shooting it in the face, «Just die already, you know it's your only purpose so do it! »

Whenever Lara had to swim through water it made a funny sound as bubbles seemed to come out of her very arse, she thought that was a strange noise for water to make as she almost drowned while messing around with levers. Truth is those were useless since they had been solely built to trick morons into thinking they had a function, only so that said-imbeciles would drown. Well she did survive that because bubbles propelled her forward faster than common humans, so Lara lived on to realize that others did not as she stared at some unspecified dried skin stretched and attached to some wooden structure. «…poor bloke… » As she continued on she was often welcomed by creepy tunes that came out of nowhere, found similarly eerie artifact and keys bigger than her head plus thin floorings that floating in the air. She also pushed heavy blocks with her bare forehead that someone had bothered to place in the way because why the fuck not.

Eventually she even faced creatures that had been known to be extinct, but we all know it's just a big lie thanks to Jurassic Park. So Croft ended face to face with two dinosaurs that looked like Velociraptors, hard to say exactly as they clawed her skin open and tried to bite her head off. Nothing to it though since she obliterated them as efficiently, once dead she located two human skeletons nearby, «Didn't go well for you and your partner here, huh.»

As if she gave a damn.

Running ahead she soon stopped in her track however when the ground began shaking, heralding that something far more entertaining was coming her way. Seeing the Tyrannosaurus-Rex she almost pissed herself….. from joy. «Incoming T-Rex!», smiling, she then played along with the massive threat until many shotgun shells later she finally knocked it down; also broke every bones in her body since it fell on her. Well that's what health packs are for, Croft then proceeded to take pictures before continuing onward.

Lara found some cogs lying around but didn't bother with that, she's the fucking Tomb Rider therefore doesn't require help to advance. She magically shimmies across waterfalls with her bare fingers floating through the stream, plus dismisses all the ammunition she discovers; not mentioning those unspecified crystals floating about that she doesn't use…. so she certainly don't need rusty pieces of some machinery illogically located in some random stone wall. It was a different matter for all the skeletons she came across though but who cares.

Soon enough she discovered a temple, the sanctuary of the SeeOn. There she dodged a boulder, outwitted spike-traps concealed in the floor, decimated more wolves and Velociraptors plus solved shitty puzzles in order to pull more levers. She also encountered another one of those skeleton wrapped in flesh which she also shot to hell with a swift blow of the shotgun. Something about the boulder didn't make sense though, after nearly being killed by it she ran back up the slope and stared above from where it had came from. «…..I really wonder how someone managed to push that heavy thing up there, _and_ then managed not to get killed by it thanks to physics. Perhaps the rocks are predisposed to only kill intruders….. »

Then she found it, the artifact resting on top of some pedestal; she also was stared at by two mummies and an additional skeleton. Fine, they could bear witness to her grandiose achievement. She glanced back at the one seated on its throne, «You don't mind if I take this, do you. », before grabbing the object. Then the temple which looked in good condition earlier inexplicably started to fall apart around her. Lara ran towards the exit while avoiding being buried under rubbles who fiercely wanted her dead, unfortunately when exiting she got reunited with the dumb cowboy that had been waiting for her to do the entire job. He tried to kill her with his silly golden handgun but failed; because that's what failures do. Suffice to say she felt nauseated having to deal with blonde-moron once more. Croft held him at gunpoint, «Well you've got my total attention _now_ idiot, I'm not sure I've got use though. »

Again at his sight she tried not to vomit, on the other hand cowboy was busy crying over his bloody arm so she swiftly bashed her gun on his head, « _Hello? »_

He cried out, «Ah fergot mah script! »

«So you're saying this is just a waste of my time **again**? »

« _Naoh wai-! »_

She kicked him in the face, shot a couple of rounds at him then proceeded to dump his corpse into the water. «Fucking imbecile. »

Staring at the body as it lapped about in there, then sank; she genuinely felt sorry for the liquid….this was yet-fresh, untainted-water from human filthiness but she just had to contaminate it with this _thing_.

«… _ **damn it**_ ….! »

* * *

Author Note: Compared to parodies on Resident Evil and F.E.A.R., there's hardly any dialogues/encounters with others in a TR game, or much happening at all, which makes it that much harder to make it funny. With the other games it flew freely and I barely had any trouble coming up with ideas, had a tremendously great times writing those. TR ones are different hence they're shorter, harder to fill in the blanks in between the jokes that came to mind at the time which spurred the need to write TR parodies in the first place.

Plus, I usually play with every word I can, names for example, like every (game) title I twist around. But most of the time I can't (or refrain myself to) since I often play with both English and French, being aware that only bilingual individuals will get the reference.

For instance I could have called Natla, 'NotLà', for 'NotThere'.

Could have called Larson, 'LiarSon', for Liar's son, but thought it wasn't that good.

Could have played further with Lara Croft, 'LaRat Craft', for 'TheRat'. ('La' being the feminine form of 'the' for a 'female rat'.)

With Pierre, I could have written, 'PisHier', for 'SoYesterday'; but PisHier really can't be read in English, nor nearly sound as Pierre sounds in both languages.

Such a shame.


	2. Can't All Be Heroes

**Can't All Be Heroes**

Her adventure over, she went to a hotel but verifying the fee for a night made her eyes bulge. The woman is wealthy but she didn't see why she would waste that much money on a hotel, so Croft ascended the side of the building and broke in an empty room instead. Well it wasn't entirely empty; she just hurled herself at the occupant, tied him up with strings of her hair before locking him in the bathroom. Settling down contentedly on the bed, her boots leaving mud and dinosaur blood all over the sheet, she began reading a book she had stolen from LardsOn's corpse. Yeah, I know, unbelievable….but it was probably something Natla had asked him to return for her at the library.

I reckon, still implausible….

As she read it, Lara began hallucinating. The guy in the bathroom suddenly heard gibberish plus someone screaming, which made him think the crazy woman was coming for him next so he sank further near the floor. Well I hope he's comfortable because his insane attacker would later forget of his presence and leave him there to die….

* * *

Our Tomb Rider had recognized the high mountain she had seen in her forced vision so she traveled there. After ascending with only her nails and teeth as equipment, Lara arrived to the entrance of her next objective. Seeing that someone had preceded her on that quest, she neared the extinguished fire and leaned to pick up the empty can of beans, it read "Extra Saucy with Tomato Juice!".

«Tssh Pierre, you little shit. Trashing a great place like this; next thing I know you'll be marking your territory with piss. »

She would then only have to follow the smell of nauseous gas to him. Croft got inside the temple and immediately got assaulted by lionesses who really hated for some reason; then Pierre showed up and started firing at her, she was sick and tired of being shot at. Well the woman unloaded a shitload of cartridges inside his body but he did not seem to mind at all. Anyone else would have died by now but it seemed he was made of steel, or poop; yeah definitely poop. As she ran after him while still firing she made out the drawing on the back of his jacket; it was actually him posing with his handguns like a cocky dumbass.

He revolved around another pillar still trying to confuse her, «You cannot possibly beat me Cruft; I am faster than you and my superior skills-»

She suddenly leaped at his throat then started strangling him; he managed to say « _Please no, I'll share the loot with you!_ »

She groaned «To later back-stab me at the first occasion! »

«Why yes. Wait _non_ that's n—»

Ensued shots fired endlessly directly into his eyes, echoing throughout the huge hall; so much every other animal that were getting ready to assault her through this level ran off. Where did they run off to? Ask Noah.

After robbing Pierre's corpse of his magnums and other personal belongings, she continued on with her adventure in Greece. She managed not to drown a few times, seeing that these levels were mostly flooded for some reason and were a natural habitat for crocodiles. Lara vaguely wondered on what these animals all fed on, perhaps the rats that were the size of dogs sufficed; but they probably turned cannibal at some point, maybe even on their own organisms in the end. Some of the images running through her mind made her snicker, however her laughter suddenly stopped once she ended in the next area. It was a very huge place and it expended quite further down, also there was this calm supernatural tune that had started and it conveyed the feeling that this is where she would certainly die. It faded off leaving her with this ominous vibe, she glanced down, «…Very comforting indeed. », before twenty bats assaulted her nearly making her lose balance.

Well danger being what she lives for, Croft jumped into the action, pulling millions of levers and jumping-climbing gazillions of ledges plus almost got herself killed by lightening; close call. Inescapable lightening inside a closed area, brilliant idea bordering on dementia! Then hovering swords equipped with tracking programs, marvelous designs! A never-ending flooded passage made to drown people, wonderful architecture! Thor, Damocles, and Neptune; our thrill-seeker was in utter bliss so much she pissed her underwear from elation. Fortunately she always brings an extra pair. Piss happens.

Moreover she almost had her butt chopped off by a gate as it suddenly dropped down behind her, or killed by more boulders but splendidly managed to avoid demise yet again, «That's how pros do it.», said she right before jumping and ramming her forehead on a ledge above. Meritorious. She had not bothered gathering all the goddamn keys from every rooms and was now reaching ground level when she suddenly started to get shot at again. Lara couldn't believe it, she had definitely obliterated his head but still there he was. She got mad and said in between clenched teeth, «You're messing with me? You _bloody dare_ fuck with me!? _I'm fucking coming you little cock sucker!_ » and off the ledge she dropped, already holding her shotgun. Who knows how he had survived only to re-spawn here, who knows where he'd found those guns; right now all that mattered is that he'd fucking feel this.

«Let's see if you're so tough once dead! », she chased him around like before and he was _really_ getting on her nerves as he tried to run away in order to magically disappear once passed a pillar. «Sure run in circles, that's a proper method! », a chunk of his head exploded, «What's the matter, nowhere to hide? » Then she had an idea and grabbed the shitty Magnums she had robed from his corpse, «Or would you like me to shoot you with your own guns? », she fired him in the legs thus tearing them off from his body, he fell as blood splattered then she shot his arms off before destroying his face. Croft stood there over her bleeding enemy, lips thinned into a fine line, brows severely narrowed and knuckles white.

A lion dared interfere at that moment; let's just mention he got brutally over killed….

* * *

The next level— er, adventure, brought her into a sort of interior coliseum, naturally she had to decimate additional hordes of lion and lionesses who just came at her ten at once every time. And, most regrettably, that little shit showed up yet again, «Back for more!? », she still chased him around, endlessly shooting at his back as he ran away for an hour straight, until he magically vanished around a corner. Croft was more than annoyed and spat, « _ **Piss off!**_ », now glaring at the wall ahead. She then swung around and opened fire on the goddamn gorilla that was screaming below until its body separated in half from the endless flow of the Uzis. «Fucking monkeys. », _oh_ , if only she knew it was far from over, and I'm referring to the other games as well…..

After discovering a well-hidden room, Croft stumbled upon the wonderful hand of Midas. Oh she knew what this meant and wondered what use she could make of it. Of course the thought of pushing Pierre on it immediately crossed her mind, at least _then_ he would be worth something….

Croft couldn't bear to depart and not turn something to gold, leave such a discovery out here, forgotten and rendered useless. So she did something quite natural really, she went back to chase one of the crocodile, wrestled with it in the dirt then pulled it back to the effigy somehow and pushed her catch on it. There, she had a nice golden trophy to bring back home. She picked it up; it now weighted a lot more than before, and placed it in her bottomless backpack.

Smiling, she went on; though soon a hundred of fucking annoying gorillas quickly ruined that serenity as they came out of fucking nowhere and absolutely without end. So after wasting over 9999 ammunitions she snapped « _What the_ _HELL_ _is up with these endless hordes of_ _ **FUCKING MONKEYS**_ _!? »_

Emptying magazines into them all barely sufficed to calm her down since she was so enraged, their damn scream and noise echoing in her head long after they were all decimated. Her grip on her pistols were absolute, knuckles white and her jaw tight; the next gorilla would fucking feel it. It was when you least expect it, when you thought that killing forty of them was enough, that surely there weren't any more in the vicinity…that one hundred more showed up yet again.

After remaining stiff there for an entire hour, she moved on. Up to this day the prints of her feet remain visible at this very spot. I bet Von Croy would have liked to elucidate that mystery…..

* * *

Next she popped in a flooded place with moldy walls everywhere; she'd encounter many crocodiles and huge rats with red eyes plus some more goddamn gorillas. She dropped from a ledge only to be welcomed by one of them rodents, it ran her way and started chewing on her leg but she mainly stared at how huge it was. It had attained her bone when she finally shot it, «That's a _veeerrrryyyyyy_ big rat. », she entered the adjacent room and jumped on a block in order to avoid more gnawing at her delicious flesh. Lately she had been watching Sherlock's BBC and now recalling an episode made her play with a certain sentence, «They were the footprints of a _gigantic RAT!_ », while watching the rodent run around trying to get to her, before abruptly putting an end to its dilemma.

Then she dropped through another hole which led her to a bigger flooded area, «Nice, more fucking around to get to places that are useless only to pull bloody levers or get keys that I'll discard once used. » frustrated, she unloaded several shotgun shells on the ground receiving chunks in her face and nearly exploding her toes.

And of course that one piece of shit who really likes to get shot at returned, I bet it turns him on or something because this is seriously getting out of hand. She opened fire, «What, is this some sort of fetish of yours, what's wrong with you!? You and your silly mustache!», until he magically disappeared right in front of her eyes where he had no way of going. She breathed into a bag several times then focused on the water below, there was a rat swimming in there. Lara dove in but the rodent couldn't harm her because she remained underneath it, so it swam in circle above her head because apparently it could only move about on the surface.

The woman emerged thus allowing it to take a bite of her hand, Lara started swimming towards the edge but the rat followed her, it really just wanted to chew on her eyes but she found it adorable, «So cute, I got a pet now. » She exited the filthy green water and stared as it kept dipping away, «Just freely swimming in there, with no care in the world. », then she aimed at it and fired but the rodent disappeared under a platform, she waited for another minute but it never showed up. «…Are you drowning? », nothing happened, «Most likely, you're drowning. », so she moved on.

Croft entered another area where she had to jump from ledge to ledge while going higher, but first she had to annihilate gorillas that obviously just wanted to savagely get blown away. «Pierre's family. Why? _Because they're as FUCKING annoying as him!_ », saying this she reached a ledge and was getting ready to jump off it when bullets pierced her ass. Her face and voice became icy cold, «Speaking of which….», she dropped, almost breaking her legs, « _Fuck off!_ This is my turf, you haven't got the balls for it!» aaaaand he was gone through thin air, «Oh look he just bloody vanished again, just like that. If he's so good at it then _why doesn't he disappear for good_ _ **and stay GONE!?**_ »

Lara dipped her ass in more filthy liquid but found out that a rat had not been triggered; it just stood there at the bottom of the flooded room not moving. She spent some time staring at it, petting its filthy fur and offering some biscuits, until she nearly choked on water. Later she had to jump past sharp devices balancing in her path, «That looks really safe, let's go there. », only to be grabbing unto a ledge and end up face to face with her biggest nightmare. As Pierre popped out of the corner and walked in circle like the idiot that he is, she leveled herself above and said low, « _Ohh, it's_ _ **you**_ _…._ », then the usual followed while she yelled ' _ **DIIIEEEEEE!**_ ' until he ran through some deadly contraption and stood right in it but didn't die. Croft stopped blinking though her indexes kept pressing the triggers, «….and you can do that HOW? » after having the sharp edges mercilessly cut through his skin one more time, he left.

In another portion of this stinking place she exited water and saw that a rat was right in front of her but remained still, Croft stared and threw it a finger Pierre had left behind but it didn't care for the unappetizing limb. Obviously it moved once she stepped over the designed spot and it immediately went for her leg so she exploded it. Not long afterwards she encountered gorillas that had the exact same problem, «Bloody hell, what's up with you all…? », once they fired to life one shotgun shell in each of their faces got rid of all the infuriating yells. «How 'bout you shut up. »

After wandering endlessly in the bowels of forgotten Greece history, she discovered the tomb of TheOweCan; along with two horsemen-creatures guarding his door which tried to blow her up, and once defeated _they'd_ blow up plus nearly setting her on fire. «… _fffuuuck…._ »Now that was something. She stepped in and was about to admire the tomb if not for someone ruining the moment; suddenly Pierre started talking like some English dude trying to portray a French, and it was horrible so much she barely understood what he was saying. Well, no matter, she shot him to hell still and this time it would be the last since when he died he dropped a bunch of items including his Memory Card.

«….so, _that's_ why! The maddening hide-and-seek twit, forever-reviving asshole had this. », she then proceeded to piss on his corpse because he truly had it coming….. but seriously, _big fucking time._

Lara then gladly abandoned him to his lame death and walked in the back of the room, there was an ancient tongue scribbled on the wall but she read it with ease since she knows 100 000 000 dialects because she's the goddamn Tomb Reader…..

«'' _Here lays, dismembered, one of the great poker player of Atlantis: TheOweCan. He got murdered one night after cheating against QuoiLowPeck. He died without child, this means that no under aged individuals witnessed his demise, and since he never reproduced, all that he won at black jack goes to his dearest friend; QuoiLowPeck. Yes, even in Atlantis we do irony just fine. Look over us, TheOweCan, because while you're deceased; we'll keep partying. Jackpot.'' »_

She looked around, «…Right…. »

Now since she had gotten her hands on a second piece of the SeeOn; putting them together allowed for a great hallucinogenic trip in which people were getting blown up and screaming in pain, city in flames; plus making a really weird face that made her seem as though she was retarded. If she existed I would have advised her never to do that again, was enough to give children nightmares. Lara then went to Egypt, on a bike no less, which she obviously stole from someone. Poor soul will probably be hunted down by angry horsemen and suffer a gruesome painful violent death; can't all be heroes.

* * *

Author Note: For those interested I have parody videos on You Tube on many games, and music videos too (tributes); including TR I (1996). Hopefully some of you may enjoy my sense of humor. Since this site doesn't allow me to paste the link just copy the following on the YT page:

1- Smelly Tomb & Ambushes (Joking)

The name is De Void, browse through my channel.


	3. Good Times In Egypt

**Good Times in Egypt**

There were plenty of nice areas in this Egyptian temple or forgotten-palace-packed-with-those-mutated-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse who blew up once defeated, nearly setting our tenacious adventurer on fire. They were everywhere, maliciously awaiting you came closer so they could whack their extra long limbs at your face leaving traces of putrid blood all over you, shove you off ledges, bite at your skin or kick you in the head when you least expect it. They also were sighing slowly and deeply like some maniac would do just before he'd jump out of hiding to slit your throat, then draw incomprehensible shit on the floor with your blood. Despite all this being very interesting their specialty was explosion as previously mentioned, for upon death they'd blow up in your face giving you once last taste of what their rotten-bandaged limbs could offer, so frankly being quite rude.

Egypt, that's when plenty of poor black panthers would get introduced to Lara Croft; a fake temple with a small-sized cheap Sphinx missing its nose, sided by an equally insignificant oasis of sort. Its bottom contained ammunition but since wet then they were utterly useless; well not like she ever needs to reload anyway. Lara ascended the wanna-be Sphinx, «You don't mind this, do you. Of course you don't you've got a smile on your face. », then she shimmered across its side, noticing the abnormal sound the sand under her fingers made, «Not making sense, similar to water back then in wolves-plagued cave…. I wonder what's happening to the world. »

Not long after she ran into another panther, it nearly managed to tear her face off but she killed it right before it did her, as for time stops whenever she's unfolding a medi pack. She looked at its corpse, «You almost succeeded. », and ran off with her shotgun still drawn, «But you still died. » Lara then stopped near another ledge and saw a crocodile below, opened fire at it right away. She stared as it wriggled dying, «You _did not_ almost succeed, but you still died. »

Our species-decimator soon realized that a certain dark magic was obviously at work here since some stairs would turn into long slopes by means of unknown mechanisms. She noticed a yellow trail on one of them, deducing some unlucky adventurer must have been truly scared and emptied their bladder as they neared death. Perhaps this place had also been made by Natla's superior species thus explaining these superior uncommon designs; doesn't clarify why they'd choose then to play with sand to gain access to some areas. But who gives a shit, right? Lara doesn't, she just went on and killed lots of black panthers, they were obviously famished and really pissed of being stuck in there for who knows how long.

Sure they had plenty of nice arts to look at and hieroglyph to read, but it starts getting boring after four fucking thousand years of confinement; especially when your time-wasting friend starts to snack on your leg by lack of food. So the human's fresh appetizing limbs were a welcoming sight, too bad Croft was the one with the firepower. Well at least she ended their misery. «It's not that I dislike them black creatures but they keep coming at me! », she tried to justify whilst standing among seventeen of their corpses. She went up and found some green cat statues, they had red eyes plus their staring vacant gazes made them appear drugged. Well they made her uncomfortable for some reason so she pushed them overboard where they broke in multiples pieces.

Round a corner she got surprised by another let-me-blow-in-your-face friend, it cornered her to relentlessly assault the hell out of her, eardrums included, until it finally burst apart along with her own limbs flying in all directions. Fortunately she gathered them all back and patched up with some medi packs. She then continued to gather the four artifacts required to open the door to the next level, one of them looked like pair of testicles though. She shoved it in the indentation of the pillar, «And there goes the Testicles of Horus. », granting her passage. Lara then got cordially welcomed by more of those crimson-fleshed-bony creatures who now shot her in the face with some weapon mounted on their forearms. Jumping from side to side, backward and forward all while shooting, she eventually blew them all up. «Bloody hell, they _really_ wanted my eyes at all cost! », she oddly deduced.

Later she even had the pleasure of seeing a second Sphinx up close, or another cheap underground imitation of it, and could even choose to commit suicide from the top of its head; deadly but stylish. She did however revolve around the place pulling off death-defying stunts, all while shooting winged creatures that blew up in her face plus nearly pushed off ledges every single times. The point of all this waste of time was to retrieve two Ankhs in order to bring them back to the Sphinx where they belonged, suffice to say whoever pulled these two from their matrix and moreover hid them; **is an asshole**. In fact Lara hoped that the skeleton she ran passed by a few minutes ago belonged to said ass.

She then had the surprise of finding two gigantic statues in a great cavern, water over their heads. I'm sure Horus and Anubis were both pleased to have slaves build these immense effigies in their honor: in a grotto where no one will ever marvel at them plus submerge it all in water in case someone _does_ find the place….. Croft drained it all, somehow, and was able to enter through a door from in between Horus' legs; how conveniently blasphemous.

Then she got one more horrible surprise when dropping in another room as the unmistakably frustrating voice of cowboy was heard, «I still got a pain in my brain from ya, but - »

Lara dashed his way, « _ **What brain…?!**_ » and shoved her shotgun up his ass then fired, pieces of him exploded everywhere, his cowboy boots rapidly spun in the air but she swiftly shot them as well. A very pissed off woman grabbed his Memory Card and snapped it in two, many spasms of anger coursed through her before she managed to calm down after plenty of intakes of breath, picked up the final piece of the SeeOn and left.

She finally got out of the place by a random opening in the side of the mountain. One can suppose that after all the great architectural designs she witnessed, the designers got fed up and decided that the exit would be a fucking hole they blew in the wall. So she exited while some idiot shot a flashlight in her face, rendering her blind, allowing some unpleasant guy to pick up her weapons while another blocked her arms back. The man now facing Lara stole her pistols but this is of no consequence since they'll magically reappear inside their casings later. Although that's not what troubled her, it seemed he also liked to wear a cowboy hat, she was beginning to see a pattern here though it greatly confused her as to _why in the fuck._ The third man present seemed to be nothing but a teenager though, and a very dumb one seeing he turned the flashlight towards his own face before blinking away. There, add moron-ism to the pattern.

Then we witnessed something we really wished they censured, Natla's repulsive bashed-in face and creepy eyes; but that's nothing compared to her stereotyped huge breasts, her unnatural impossibly-thin waist and overdone thigh. The hideous thing wearing a tuxedo, well half a tux, got closer to her, «Let LardsOn sucking wind then? »

«More like obliterated his insides everywhere. I call it extreme makeover; not the only unsightly individual that's in dire need of one. »

«Well time to hand over what I couldn't be bothered to gather myself, which would have saved me the trouble of disposing of you in the first place; even though my boys were all over the tombs you visited rendering it all the more illogical that I cared to employ you. »

Croft glared at her, «Bite me. »

Natla could have cried at this if not for all the Botox injections she have had near her eyes which destroyed those canals. Meanwhile mister muscle standing behind the captured adventurer decided to make the mistake of talking. «Let's check the lunchbox. »

Lara rolled her eyes, « Yeah, right; clever you, you figured it out…»

He removed the SeeOn from her backpack then roughly pushed her against the rocky wall, which he would later regret a whole fucking lot judging by the extremely furious glare Lara shot at him then. Unfortunately it wouldn't be great, well fuck.

Natla's face creepily deepened into her chest as she looked down upon the artifact, then with her nice screeching voice AKA nails on a chalkboard; ordered to her apes to kill her ex-and-unwilling employee. Our explorer had been long gone though; dived into the river below minutes ago as everyone were busy staring at Natla's inflatable twins. The four individuals now just stared in complete dumbness at the spot where Lara had been prior to their unfortunate waste of time. The amount of their entire IQ combined isn't even worth mentioning.

After being dragged in the strong current, hitting her head on rocks and almost having her limbs torn off, Croft reunited with her bike somehow. She must have whistled and it drove to her, jumping atop mountains and all, perhaps even grew wings. The Tomb Biker performed some nice acrobatics with it until she spotted the boat belonging to the horribly-dense team.

They were getting away but she managed to speed down some conveniently placed path, and jumping off the bike, dove into water then somehow got on board. But that's Lara for you, she can pop magic tricks out of her behind like no magicians can. The teen heard the splash that Croft produced but _most likely_ paid more attention to the explosion from the bike as it submerged in water.

«Probably just a fish…. »

Yeah…..

Croft hid somewhere, exhausted, haven't eaten, slept or shat in weeks; she fell into Wonder Land in an instant. Cheshire offered her intestinally-hazardous tea in which bloody teeth floated accompanied by ''biscuits'' made or raw meat, she would have eaten them with pure delight if not for the cat looking far more delicious; don't worry, it was painless. Then she had nightmares about Natla in between the short times it took for them to reach their destination and got woken up by their constant footsteps above.

Then someone was heard hitting their head on a railing before falling into water.

« There she _goes! »_

Someone else snapped pictures on their phone.

Lara got out, even took the time to close the lid on where she'd been hiding; knowing well that she could be discovered any time since this isn't exactly a fucking yacht, but this was apparently of the utmost importance. Next she jumped into the water too, the black muscle-guy turned around at the sound, putting an index on his chin; possibly frowning at what that sound was…

«Hmm..… Got to shave my face soon. »

Or not….


	4. Hellish Mines

**Hellish Mines**

Amidst Natla's mines our ever suicidal adventurer dodged several rolling rocks of doom when she soon faced this cowboy-hat-wearing dude. He was busy scratching his ass, being too close from one of those holes in the ground giving to deadly pools of lava. How idiosyncratic. This could have been just great, to silently walk up behind him and shove his poor ass to certain death; unfortunately Croft lost foot on a slope hence gave away her presence. The cowboy turned around, dumbfounded with an index still up his nose, but quickly stopped his little personal self-exploration to grab his cowboy-guns.

He motioned to her, « Ain't nothin' personal. »

« With an annoying accent like that, I guarantee you that it's quite contrary for me. Plus you stole my handguns; death wish. »

Took him a while before he died despite constantly riddling his body with tons of bullets, but when he did he barely made a sound. In fact his ''scream'' was one of someone tranquil sitting down for tea while softly sighing of relief after a hard day of work. Quite strange since she had expected him to shriek like the insignificant dumb piece of shit that he was. He did die face first with his legs funnily spread apart like some retard, making her laugh; but also dropped a pair of magnums identical to the ones Pierre had left behind. Who knows what that signified, what had been going on between the two... Well too bad he didn't scream horribly since it would have been almost orgasmic, nonetheless she still shoved his stinking corpse into the highly lethal pool below, giving him the middle finger. Lara then pursued her dangerous wanderings among bubbling lava, nearly catching on fire from small fireballs bursting here and there. «Minecraft! » What was more amazing was her remarkable aptitude not to die upon contact with magma as she shimmered across dangerous gaps. Again, Lara Croft, she can do that.

With all these physical feats, she got hungry and sat down with a bag of sausages, cooking some above the orange pool. The gentle bubbling and popping of the extremely hot liquid was almost soothing, lest someone stood too close or slipped in. The idea brought back sweet justice to her mind as she thought about the latest cowboy's amusing demise. But Lara was always careful, so when she smelled material burning Croft realized it'd be wise not to settle her feet that close from the edge; this wasn't a fire you stretched you cold feet towards.

After her little snack she threw the plastic bag into the flood, when it crackled and exploded violently she jumped back eyeing the lava with horror.

«…..fuck's sake, what was in that bag….? »

She carefully made her way around and ran off.

Our Tomb Exploder then found some huge TNT boxes, again, Minecraft. After playing with them a while she pulled a switch which blew them all up; quite fun and not worthless since it allowed her to reach her next destination. It led to a 'fight' with that obnoxious teen riding a skateboard, taking his hobby to a new dangerous level seeing how his personal skate park had been built; high as fuck with lava below to ensure that _if_ he were to fall and survive, the orange lake of doom _would_ correct the mistake.

The overconfident twit rolled passed her, equipped with his Uzis which were pink, « You're firin' at me, huh? YA FIRIN' AT MEH?! Ain't nobody else so ya must be firin' at _**meee!**_ »

Lara pondered whether he was twelve years old and why in the fuck Natla hired him in the first place. He dashed passed her yelling «I have several pogo sticks up my butt! » It barely took ten seconds for him to die as he stupidly tried to skate around whilst firing whereas Croft was dodging him easily. He died dramatically with the hand-towards-the-sky cliché while sitting in a flack of his own piss. Ironically, his white t-shirt had a '1' printed on it, «More like number _last_. » She then picked up his Uzis, grabbed his skateboard and bashed it on his head a couple of times, next rolled his body off a ledge then watched him burn. Yeah, she liked doing that and you can be sure the others will taste the same end, which she already relished in.

After dodging more angry-lava in their must-destroy-Lara fashion, plus additional boulders that looked like spherical Doritos; she then faced the tall black guy and he was shooting at Croft with her own shotgun. Yes she had taken it from some dead dude back there in Jurassic Age, but it's not like he needed it anymore so it's definitely hers now. Plus she had carved her initials on the length of it after she had defeated that T-Rex, sat next to the beast and ate some of its tasty flesh.

Croft dashed his way whilst firing, «I'm going to make chocolate out of you! »

His line wasn't so cool though, «Say _cheese!_ »

Why in the fuck would she say that…? Lara made a weird face before shooting loads of ammo in his. So the gorilla returned fire but the woman wasn't concerned as the shells pierced her skin and tore her organs at close range like that. Damn and isn't he tall, Lara's face was barely arriving up at his knees….No matter, Uzis in the face does the job; he eventually died letting out a regretful, « _Cock sucker!_ », that had sounded like 'cunt sucker' seeing he have had his mouth full of bullets at the time.

Croft stared at his corpse, «Now now, that's no way to refer to yourself. »

The bleeding victor then proceeded of robbing him of what was rightfully hers and then rid him of all his clothing for further humiliation. She would remember this day as how she defeated all of Natla's stupid puppets plus left their bodies to rot in random places, especially one she abandoned naked just in front of that metal-pyramid structure that is probably sacred land for that wannabe porn star. Take that.

Breaking her way inside aforementioned pyramid, Croft ended in a totally fucked up world where some walls and floors were made of pulsating flesh; plus yellow cocoons glued to surfaces would always burst open freeing many, MANY, I'll-just-explode-your-limbs-off-with-mine welcoming parties. Lara wouldn't admit it out loud but after being on such a hard diet this meat right here did seem deliciously edible.

«Where's the lava when you need it? »

Croft shook an angry fist at the ceiling; a bat saw that and looked at her as if she was daft then dropped a couple of feces right next to her. A cocoon also exploded in her face and her eardrums were immediately perforated thanks to the creature it had released. Some of those cocoon-freed monsters had wings, one would think it could help into chasing her down and it did; unlike presently when she was running through a narrow corridor and said winged creature came from above only to get stuck in it. So it kept flapping its wings in there, going up and down through the ceiling with no means of escaping this purgatory for all eternity. Croft eventually stopped firing at it and stared, «…I'll, just leave you to it then. Have fun. », and left.

The woman ended in a huge square place, it went for miles above and ended below in a gigantic pool of lava, «Clearly this magma just wants my bloody autograph. » She had to jump from small ledges to others in order to advance through it all while avoiding being chopped by defective mechanical doors equipped with sharp teeth. Well since she isn't Pierre she couldn't afford to just stand there as it violently opened and closed else she'd die; though it wouldn't seem to hurt since she'd only utter a soft 'ouh' if it happened. Perhaps she enjoyed it savagely ripping through her flesh, who knows; I know I do. Croft eyed the surroundings, «If only I had wings, could skip all this waste of time and fly right to the top…. but really though, what kind of maniac built this damn place. »

Well taking the long way around she got mercilessly assaulted by endless armies of fleshy-bony monsters making her almost lose the little bit of sanity she had left. They were a total pain in the ass, every single one screaming so annoyingly her ears would bleed and they kept jumping all around like drug addicts making it very difficult to aim at them, plus pushed her off ledges again so it would often result in her death. With foam at the corners of her mouth she yelled to their corpses, «Because 7777 THOUSANDS OF YOU _FUCKS_ **ISN'T ENOUGH!** »

In her despair she avoided more lava which either broke some glasses to pieces being truly passionate to reach her boots, or ended in a tiny corridor facing some more that just waited for her to pull a certain lever resting close to it. Lara stared at the deadly orange liquid, then at the lever and back on the lava, «Of course I could be wrong but this doesn't seem the least bit safe. », the magma quietly disagreed and remained still but visibly anxious to set her aflame at once. The soon-to-be-barbequed woman glanced its way one more time, «… Fuck it. » and went back from where she came before jumping through a hole above. Poor, poor lethal lava; it's always so damn hard to befriend anyone and miserably impossible to hug them.

* * *

Meanwhile we have a quick look at Natla who holds the reunited SeeOn, she walks to a platform and tries to put the object in its middle but gets electrified, the shock sends her flying backward where she hits her head hard on the wall. If the blow had been cushioned by her chest she would have been fine but no, tough luck, or karma. Pick one.

* * *

The more our still-friendless adventurer deepened into madness-land the more she had to face many contraptions all at once, «It's like they're all teaming up to kill me. », she avoided more arrows shot by the walls and a Doritos-boulder rolling through one of those sharp-doors. Then one fleshy creature neared that door but naturally was not harmed in the least as it stood within and shot darts in her face. It blew up almost tearing her head off, sending her into those flying arrows which pierced one of her eyes and stuck in her pointy breasts. «Phew, good thing I'm not Natla else they would have deflated. »

In the next room she now faced two switches and right below them stood two traps, «That's totally safe of course. », dodged another boulder and jumped over additional fatal pits, yet discovering more cocoons, «Fucking great… » Once done with so much goddamn jumping-cutting-assailing followed by countless explosions, something different did happen when Lara slid down into the adjacent area. Well she did have to kill three more of these fucking infuriating monsters but then was reunited with a fleshy-bony matrix of herself. She stared at it, «Fuck sake you could have at least landed me a hand seeing that you're equipped with invisible firearms. »

Every movements Lara did, the intricate clone would recreate, though direction were reversed. Croft saw that she had to maneuver so the replica would walk to that trap in the floor, throw the switch and provoke its demise so that the Tomb Replicated could advance forward. She was having a good time though and decided not to get rid of her look-alike so soon. When she poked her on the arm, Lara felt the pressure on her own; she then started scratching the duplicate's back to relieve her own itch. Croft then started dancing with her replica, doing gymnastics and giggling like a kid; happily no one was there to witness this. Then they sat down and had some pizza, it was great finally having someone saying the same things she did plus agreeing on everything.

Well entertainment can't last forever so Lara embraced herself, rather tried to touch her clone while letting out some 'ouh, ouh!' because it apparently tickled; and finally sacrificed her double so that the door would open. Forfeiting herself in such a way had been hard; she saluted the fleshy being reverently and left. Sometimes you can only count on yourself to have things done…..

* * *

This time, flashback into Natla's past, her own people locking her up in some machine that will keep her trapped. Turns out she wasn't that dumb then, possibly being incarcerated in a cryogenic prison for who knows how long ruined some of her synapses. Two men, or _something_ , faced her; both their faces concealed behind a strange mask that glowed green through the eye-portions and mouth whenever they talked. Though only TheOweCan has insect-like limbs stuck to his back that allows movements without his feet touching the ground.

Natla stirred in there vainly, « You can't do this. »

QuoiLowPeck approached her soon-to-be cage of glass, «We have the technology. »

« No I mean you can't _because you're idiots!_ »

« We sentence you to eons of nearly-death experience in a freezing stanza, because it is far more merciful and logical than killing you; killing is bad. Plus if we kill you, you might not be able to come back someday to seek revenge, thus planning continuity on your evil plan. »

The other man neared her too, «That's right, we never fail at logic. »

Natla spat, « TheOweCan! You still owe me money from that last poker game, you cheating robot-face! »

« Stop squirming. »

« This thing is really uncomfortable, why don't _you_ try it out!? »

«Natla, you, err….», TheOweCan looked down at a sheet of paper he'd been holding, «Oh, right: you used our brilliant technology to create freaks while it is clearly testified in the book of Holly Golden Pyramid that it should never be used to birth atrocities.»

She snickered, «Your own aside…? Pff, I read that book, there is no line in there that implies this. »

QuoiLowPeck intervened, « It does now. », tossing a ball pen away.

She lunged forward at him though her restraints held her, « You fucking bastard! When I come back I'll pull each of your limb off one by one and eat chips in your face while you suffer; both from loss of limbs but also the inability to relish the taste of goody potatoes in your mouth! »

«How ? You'll be imprisoned in solid ice. »

TheOweCan waved an arm, «Enough of this waste of time, I've got a game to finish; QuoiLowPeck, you're going down. »

The other man now looked his way, «How? »

The woman glared, «Look at you, not a squirt of yummy juicy brain matter in your skulls; wasters. »

The longer limbs shook disapprovingly, «Spare me your elaborate…errr….elaboration. »

QuoiLowPeck threw him a thumb-up with a most-cheesy smile even though the latter went unnoticed due to the mask.

The captive spoke icily, «You're not safe, you and your weird ass designs on this damn stinky continent full of brain dead fucks that can't even bear proper poker faces—! »

The machine finished imprisoning her at that moment, the two men walked off; well one of them did physically walk.


	5. Pyramid of Doom

**Pyramid of Doom**

End of game reached, Lara tried to remove the SeeOn from the machine; because it really looked safe to. Of course she burned her hand and the shock that ran through her fired the pistols, fortunately the newly-made holes in the ground weren't too close from her feet. She made a mental note not to be that dumb again, that's when Natla showed up with her scary spiky breasts in-game:

«Back again? You just won't die, what does it take to kill you? »

«Not a team of imbeciles, I'll tell you that. »

«You can't bump off me and my boobs so easy Lara! »

«True, people can only poke their eyes on them; but enough about your unattractive attributes. So, who was that annoying prepubescent skater guy; your regrettably-unintelligent boyfriend? »

Natla moved closer, hands on her hips, « No, was mostly interested in my breasts so he did everything I asked, including shaving my legs since I'm too lazy to do anything on my own. Show them ' _bewbs_ ' and they'll do anything you want, pathetic fucks. »

« Well, he deserved to die for being so damn shallow plus moronic and you for being manipulative; but moreover because you're evil and have evil plans, the plot says so. »

« A kick in the pants: those morons in geeky masks had no idea. »

Lara blinked a few times, « …Sorry, what? »

Natla motioned around to some invisible scenery she only was seeing, « Plunging them to the very basics of survival again, like monkeys fighting for handfuls of bananas. It shouldn't happen like that, or like this; or any other ways for that matter. Even create new breeds with steroids; everyone nowadays uses that anyway. I saw what you did there…»

«…..err…..right….moving on. »

«What for? Aren't you interested in my skillfully crafted monologue? Look it's not my fault if they designed me this way, you think I had a say in it? »

«Yeah I'm aware but still you're a pain in the ass; literally, each time I see you I get diarrhea. However I know how to fix the problem that you are. See, I've got two presents for you. One: », she shot the SeeOn thus it exploded, «And two: », then shot Natla in the face killing her. «How do you like my gifts? Too bad I'll never forget how horrible your face looks like from this close. »

A feminine voice recording was then heard. « Hatching commencing in: **NOW.** »

The big egg on the bigger platform then hatched and when it saw Lara it took her for her mother, almost throwing up Croft proceeded to end its short failed existence. Once defeated it stopped to dramatically die for about ten minutes and then naturally couldn't just leave it at that, couldn't die differently than by exploding all over the place making her hair burst in flames. Least of her concern, «Nearly had a bloody fucking heart attack, gross shit. »

She then tossed Natla's body over the edge for fun, fired some more bullets in her corpse as it fell then watched her get tinnier as she approached the lava below, caught fire then sank.

«That's what happens when you try to take over the world and fuck me up in the process. My breasts are also spiky but at least I don't surround myself with malodorous dumb macaques. », now bald, she proudly walked to the exit.

Poor creature though, all it wanted was a pair of legs to connect to its incomplete torso.

But the SeeOn destroyed meant that now the pyramid was being racked by waves of violent turbulence, which made the whole screen shake violently each two seconds rendering game play FUCKING NIGHTMARISH as hell…! Sorry, I digress…..

Lara then had to cross very deadly paths of traps, each new contraption deadlier than the previous ones and absolutely annoying. Our Tomb Balder crossed them all, dying a few times here and there but it was alright since she carried her Memory Card in her backpack: allow no dwelling on which personal slot she used for that. Some more swearing and screaming of anger later, she arrived at the center of the pyramid which was occupied by a bunch of pillars, some her size and others going higher and higher to the top.

«Looks like this place were built using Minecraft blocks…..and by a five year old, judging by the simpleton design…»

Huge breasts turned the corner to meet her until she realized they were attached to Natla.

«…Hey! I watched you burn…! Wait, don't tell me you've also got a Memory Card….? That's so bloody unfair Eidos! »

Natla approached while showing off the newly-born pair of wings protruding from her back, all fleshy and bony like the previous monsters Lara fought. Upon witnessing them, Croft ran to her and jumped on her back, interrupting Natla «Told you you couldn't—whatareyo— _get_ _ **off**_ _…! »_

«I always wanted a pair of wings myself», now pointing a pistol to Natla's head, «so fly. »

«I'd rather die! »

Croft cocked the gun. «Just about. Now don't worry, if we crash land I'm sure we'll be fine with those air bags of yours. Now, you better start _flying_ …! »

«I can't you're too heavy! »

Lara's face abhorred the very definition of annoyance, «You're saying I'm FAT!? Can't be fat when Eidos designed me so damn extremely thin that we have to wonder where all my internal organs fit in that impossibly-tiny space! » She butt headed Natla with her gun. «Fly, NOW! »

«Brat! Then what's in your damn backpack!? »

«It's an endless backpack, it can contain EVERYTHING! »

Some echo effect occurred and took them by surprise as Lara's final word bounced through the wide area. Natla then tried to make her let go again but the Rider's grip was like a vice, «I can't fly with that much weight added but that's not the point since I won't take orders from YOU anyway! »

«Screw this…»

Croft started busying herself trying to rip the wings off while Natla screamed clawing the air like a savage. The blonde finally shook her attacker and took off, now swinging in the air as if she was drunk due to her painful wings. Half way she turned and shouted, «You're fucking insane, Croft! », abruptly coming to a stop receiving a pillar in the stomach; she ungracefully clung unto it and escalated it to regain balance, then flew off again.

Lara shouted from under, « _I'M insane!?_ I'm not the one birthing atrocities and hiring imbeciles now am I!? Plus LardsOn, I mean, SHIT, _**LardsOn**_! What the bloody hell were you thinking?! »

Another tremor insisted for her to move on so she jumped from pillars to pillars all the way to the top, looking at this, one can easily ponder how suicidal Lara is: who would fucking do such a thing? One slip from a sweaty hand, one false maneuver, one sad sneeze can fuck everything and end you in a pool of blood plus broken bones down below. Knowing all she's done so far to get there; you know she's got to have a death wish or guts of steel. Well seeing how inconceivably thin she is I guess she doesn't have insides at all…..

Still, everything shook for an additional five hundred years defying logicality; it's as if two of the game designers had the following discussion:

«Hey, you received the design for the final pyramid? »

«Yup we're going to have it fall apart for centuries, that way it'll make players want to puke.»

«OK cool. »

Once done, Lara slid down a _veeeerryyyyyy_ long slope; no doubt burning the coating of her boots from all the intense abrasion consequently her feet poked out once she finally exited. Though she still had to slide seeing she now was stuck at the very top of the pyramid, «This will hurt. » She went ahead and painfully slid all the way down its length, skin melting off, also receiving lots of insects in her face; a nice ride indeed….. Spitting, she touched the ground with what was left of her feet just in time before the explosion, apparently the whole thing had been rigged with explosives…probably that the TNT boxes she tampered with earlier helped a bit…..

Croft ran as best she could on her sensitive stumps, jumped in the water then proceeded to gracelessly ascend Natla's boat from its side again because apparently there was no other way to board this damn thing. As shit blew behind her, from a safe distance this time, stump-adventurer made her way back home; it was kind of funny seeing people's reactions in the marina where she docked the boat though.

Back at her gigantic manor she mixed water plus acid in her bath so as to disinfect herself from all the filth, and by that I mean the moron humans she encountered during her mission. Upon completing this, Lara then sat down dressed in her classy gown, in her classy sofa surrounded by her classy decor; holding a glass of cream soda. With zero regards for her still-frozen butler, plus with a look of content on her face, she was about reaching for the artifact she so coveted….. when she realized it had blown up with the pyramid.

….well….SHIT….it had all been for nothing. The glass shattered in her hand.

Looks like she didn't win after all….


End file.
